Glasgow 2024 has been and gone to huge success, in no small part thanks to the hundreds of dedicated volunteers who worked so hard. And, once ratified, Glasgow will be the third highest attendance in Worldcon history. Not too shabby.
Acting as Area Head for Glasgow 2024 Presents, I spent a lot of time helping to prepare for Worldcon and feels strange to think it’s all behind me now. If you want to see any of amazing pre-con events we did, you can find them here. But this isn’t a post about that, or the many other wonderful things about the convention. This post is about one particular panel and one particular magical creature.
My final panel at Glasgow 2024 was Jurassic Park: Extinction Rebellion, a balloon-style debate where panellists had to argue the case for their chosen extinct (or mythical) animal to be brought back. I chose the mighty caticorn! … and came second.
The competition was fierce and my fellow panellists well prepared. Considering I was essentially defending a meme, I feel pretty good about second place. I owe a big thank you to Sophie Bradford and Virginia McClain for distributing fliers and stickers – I still emphatically deny these count as bribery! And I want to thank my dedicated fans in the audience for proudly wearing their caticorn stickers and voicing their support.
This post is dedicated to one fan in particular, who asked that the caticorn speech be posted online. So, here it is. Enjoy!
The foolish may believe the caticorn is merely a domestic cat with a horn stuck on. We know better. Cats think they are gods – caticorns can actually back this up!
In the distant, non-specific past, Scottish wildcats bred with unicorn, the national animal of Scotland. Although the caticorn was not chosen as the national animal, it was chosen as the mascot for the Inverness Ladies’ Curling and Sewing Team that meets on Thursday nights and every other Sunday.
The mating of wildcats with unicorns was no accident. Cats felt they didn’t have enough spiky bits, and unicorns, being kind and full of grace, agreed to the union, despite some minor reservations. Thus, the mighty caticorn was birthed.
Traditionally, unicorns appeared to royalty and those pure of heart. For those concerned about the relationship between virgins and unicorns, caticorns are not puritanical, although they do have opinions. Like Medusa, the caticorn’s judgemental glare can turn even the most committed bigot to stone.
Contrary to the modern-day domestic cat, the caticorn’s waste doesn’t stink. In fact, it is rainbow scented and will result in wondrous flowers in your garden. In other words, caticorns poop glitter. For those of you concerned about the environmental impact of bringing back the caticorn, we need only think of their flower-inducing faeces. Cacticorns are a keystone species and essential to goals of rewilding.
It’s said unicorns and other mythical beings can grant wishes, which often leads to trouble. We’ve all heard the saying ‘be careful what you wish for’ and know the unpleasant deeds carried out to obtain power over wish-giving creatures. Caticorns grant their own wishes, which generally involve moving in with you, but I think we can all agree this would make your life better. And it’s worth pointing out that caticorns are allergen-free.
Legend tells us that unicorns can turn poisoned water potable. The caticorn can turn bad wine and coffee drinkable. And although caticorns cannot heal physical wounds, they can heal a broken heart.
Many people believed removing the horn of the caticorn rendered it powerless. This is false; their abilities extend to their claws, as anyone attempting to de-horn a caticorn swiftly discovered …
Their claws not only pierce flesh and armour but transmit a toxin that makes the attacker fall asleep with their belly in the air.
Caticorns are particularly effective at goring marauders. Opening doors and windows, such as might be attempted by a burglar, causes a draft. This will anger the caticorn and spur it into action. The caticorn’s aversion to wind is well known.
The caticorn is legendary for targeting mansplainers and is activated by the words ‘not all men’ … thus bringing about a whirlwind of rage and disdain. A minor note of warning here: using a tin opener may arouse similar results, especially if the can contains spinach. This can be avoided by also opening a tin of tuna, thus placating the caticorn.
Caticorns, despite their small size (which is both practical and stylish), are fierce defenders of their humans … and their lunch. With a caticorn by your side, the choice is never man or bear – the caticorn is the menace that lurks in the forest. Or, more frequently, lies splayed in the sun, licking its bumhole without shame. Shame and prejudice are anathema to the caticorn.
While a single attack from a caticorn results in sleepiness, repeated wounds can result in extreme curiosity … and we know what happens next.
A caticorn is a magical creature that chooses you, but questing and great deeds are unnecessary. With a caticorn, nobody has to be a monarch or have some special gift – we’re all peasants to them – and they’re far more interested in the contents of your pantry than your ancestry.
Unlike unicorns, one does not have to be pure of heart. In fact, the caticorn distribution system is reliable and just, delivering the right caticorn to the right person. Caticorn companions were mostly, although not exclusively, women with a low tolerance for male bullshit.
Research has shown that book nooks, soft furnishings, and boxes increase your likelihood of attracting a caticorn. Distinct from its modern-day counterpart, the caticorn has no fear of hoovers, or cucumbers; however, it can be dissuaded from appearing by copious air guitar, mullets, Lynx body spray and not knowing what six feet is.
Killing a caticorn is extremely difficult. Attacking them produces a fury hitherto unknown and caticorns can survive on spite alone. They do, however, prefer tuna. In a few sad cases, caticorns have been known to die from embarrassment. The last recorded case was a caticorn named Bert, whose human companion dressed him up as a bumble bee.
Caticorns are extinct on our plane, mostly due to the rise of the patriarchy … although habitat destruction and the closure of libraries played their part. Stricter laws around divorce and Mary Whitehouse were also contributing factors to caticorns slinking out of our realm in contempt.
But now is the perfect time for the caticorn’s return. There is power in feminism. The crazy cat lady is ascending. We are poised on the on threshold of greatness – the supremacy of the crazy caticorn lady – our ultimate evolution.
With your vote, we can bring back the caticorn, ensure our futures, and bring balance to the universe. Take on the mistakes past and do what you know in your soul is right. Vote caticorn!
Thanks for reading. If you want to find out more about me and my caticorns, you can do that here.
